A week of self-doubt

    

So, get away
Another way to feel what you didn’t want yourself to know
And let yourself go
You know you didn’t lose your self-control
Let’s start at the rainbow

    Do you have a time when you try to do one thousand things at the same time and then choose to do nothing? That is just what I did for this week. 

    Is it possible to learn Dutch and French simultaneously and reach C1 level (fluent)?

    Is it possible to apply for jobs while preparing your proposals for Ph.D. applications? 

    Is it possible to practice piano, work out regularly, eat well and sleep early at the same time? 

    I know it is possible for someone who has strong determination, but sadly not me. I even feel guilty when I don't write my blog last week. 

    When I was young, I would like to describe myself as outgoing and determined or stubborn. Now I would describe myself as the opposite. What a dramatic change! I remembered that when I was going to junior school in the suburb of the city, I told myself that I would walk out of my comfort zone and be brave enough to tell my true feelings and desires. I did make a progress. At that time, my classmates described me as outgoing and outspoken, and I didn't fear challenging others, especially the guys I had a crush on. It is so weird that when I have a crush on someone, I always try to impress him by outwinning him in everything. So I get better grades when I have a crush on someone using my imagination. Unexpectedly, romantic feelings become a booster for my study instead of an obstacle. I am very good at describing my true feelings through writing. The most embarrassing moment would be the time when the English teacher read my essay talking about the mixed feelings I had for my deskmate, who I had a crush on but never dared to tell. 

    Reading too many novels of romance nurtured my imagination. I feel happy when I imagine thousands of different scenarios in which we realize that we secretly like each other. But then things change as I learned the complexity of the world. I realized that my moral standard is not the only truth and you can not persuade somebody just by showing off your intelligence and making him lost for words. I learned that by having friends who have different personalities and opinions from me, I felt I was also less confident to make a statement. The illusion of love also faded away as I was no longer indulged in my own imagined universe and read more essays talking about love from a more realistic angle. I remember that conversation I had with my lunch buddy in high school. I asked her what if what we have experienced until now was just a flashback before we died? How can we know if the reality we experienced is virtual or real? At that time, I started to become shy and talk less as I tried to ask myself a lot of questions that I could not answer. 

    Actually, they still trigger me now. What do I really want to do in the future? What is the job that I will love? What is the topic that I have a passion for? My answer at that time was I liked the eureka moment when all the things I learned started to connect with each other and make sense to me. The moment when it feels like you have discovered a new world. I wrote emails to a high school friend who moved to Canada for more than one year. I was talking about everything in these letters and the process of writing emails felt like a therapy session to me. I don't care when he would reply. Writing and clicking the send button is already a complete therapy, just like what I am doing - writing a blog that no one reads except me. 

    Now I finished my therapy session and I am feeling better now.