Skip to main content

A taste of failures

     Because of the Chinese New Year, I am progressing slowly in recruiting participants, so unexpectedly I get one week's break from this remote market research work. Sometimes I feel like I am in China since I also have one week off eating and sleeping. Yesterday I got extremely nervous because of the french exam. 

    To be honest, I don't like the new French teacher even though she is kind and nice. I just feel like she can not see me as a person because she can not relate to my situation as a super introverted person learning French and I failed to get more moral support from her. Sometimes, I bump into my previous french teacher in Leuven and she will say hello to me warmly. Then I would think what if she taught me for B1 class.  I could understand most of the conversations in class not through the words, but through the facial expressions and guessing from the context. I am good at observing people silently. But when I tried to express myself, I had a hard time searching for an appropriate word, and most times I ended up in vain. Then I told myself, just make up something or say something you know. Then I went blank. Sometimes I feel like I was in hell because I was surrounded by people speaking a language that I could understand half and the other half I tried to guess the meaning to construct the complete story. (It could be a different story somehow in my mind compared to reality). So I tried to avoid all eye contact and conversation if I was not asked directly.  In a word, I become super uncomfortable in a language class situation where all the tasks push me to talk to people. Sometimes I feel like classmates were looking at me in a weird way that seems like I was an outsider or even trying to laugh at me with a pitiful smile. Now when I look back, I just realize that all the things I worry about are not French but others' opinions and my fear to make mistakes and errors in my mind. 

    I got used to succeeding in studying until I was in the university. The first time I realized that I could not do something well because mathematics was difficult for me. When I was young, I always thought that I could do anything I want if I try my best. But later I found that there were songs that I can't sing properly then I realized I could not be an excellent singer. Thinking in that way, growing up means you realize your limits and you try to abandon some of your various dreams due to practical reasons. I can feel that I am less happy when I was in high school than when I was in junior school. Before I believed that I have a very good memory and good luck in exams, but later the good memory seemed to disappear in high school. I had a hard time reciting English articles even though I still managed to do well in the English exams. My mom's words hurt me when she told me that I lost my good luck in studying after witnessing my failures in 2019. I failed to get a Ph.D. and later I failed an exam at KU Leuven. Also, now I am struggling with my french and finding a full-time job in Belgium. When I was extremely down, I would think every step I made was wrong and worthless.

    Meanwhile, I try to reflect on the ideology of progress. Life is full of ups and downs. Being better is an ultimate goal in life but it doesn't mean that you need to succeed every time. I learned how to accept success when I was young but I didn't know how to accept failure. Now I am getting a taste of failure and actually, it's not the end of the world if I stop to label it as an essential step toward my dream. Just like my blog's name, I am on detours, and I should accept that others are running fastly in front of me. But hey, are you sure you are heading in the same direction as them? Someone could have a busy traveling schedule during holidays but I prefer wandering around in the city. Which is better? You can never tell. 

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Being a foreigner in Italy

      I just finished my trip in Italy and I like it so much that I can't tolerate hearing Dutch again during the boarding process for my return trip.       The good thing about being a foreigner in Italy is that actually I dare to face unknown difficulties compared to my boyfriend, especially the language barrier. We accidentally took the wrong train and came to a neighborhood where you couldn't see any tourists. And I wanted a gelato there so we were waiting in line. There were only Italian speaking in that small shop. I managed to buy the ice cream I wanted in the end and was so happy that I even took a selfie with the ice cream.       I may be so good at enduring the embarrassment when I can see that other people try to understand me because I am not speaking the local language or speaking the local language with my own accent, wrong word order, and incorrect pronunciations. In Belgium, I constantly need to figure out what other people talk about and sometimes I feel like I
Post a Comment
Read more

More than a friend: book review of loveless

    Abnormal sunny weather returned to Belgium again and I started to enjoy the autumn there. Another word for autumn is fall, which depicts a scene of yellow leaves falling from trees, swirling in the wind, and gently falling to the ground. In my hometown, there are more evergreen trees, but there is one specific tree called  Ginkgo (银杏) which turns all the leaves yellow in autumn. When I was young, my mom worked in a medicine company producing traditional Chinese medicine. She told me that there was one product that used Ginkgo leaves to treat heart-related diseases and laughed at me when I thought they used golden Ginkgo leaves for medicine. When leaves are turning yellow, they are reaching nearly the end of life journey. However, they do provide pleasure for kids and adults like me rustling on fallen leaves. Ginkgo is a tree native to China. No wonder I don't find them in Belgium.      I sat on the bench, bathing under the sunshine, and read the book loveless . I find the rela
Post a Comment
Read more

It's a long long journey

     As the plan of studying for a history master's degree failed, I went back to looking for a job. However, this road is not easy as well. Who knows if this is a detour or a shortcut before you ever try it?      Meanwhile, I decided to continue my research as a sociologist and amateur historian. I will try to discover free sources to support my research as soon I could not access to the university's library system. Also, I created this blog in case I want to become a writer.       So, welcome to my first practice of writing!     Last night, I read a book called a little history of the world by E.H. Gombrich . It is a birthday gift from my best friend to celebrate my new passion for history. Yes, at that time, I was busy writing my thesis proposal on my birthday for the application to the master of the history program at KU Leuven.  a little history of the world  by   E.H. Gombrich      A fun fact: this master of history program is the only history program taught in English.
Post a Comment
Read more