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A taste of failures

     Because of the Chinese New Year, I am progressing slowly in recruiting participants, so unexpectedly I get one week's break from this remote market research work. Sometimes I feel like I am in China since I also have one week off eating and sleeping. Yesterday I got extremely nervous because of the french exam. 

    To be honest, I don't like the new French teacher even though she is kind and nice. I just feel like she can not see me as a person because she can not relate to my situation as a super introverted person learning French and I failed to get more moral support from her. Sometimes, I bump into my previous french teacher in Leuven and she will say hello to me warmly. Then I would think what if she taught me for B1 class.  I could understand most of the conversations in class not through the words, but through the facial expressions and guessing from the context. I am good at observing people silently. But when I tried to express myself, I had a hard time searching for an appropriate word, and most times I ended up in vain. Then I told myself, just make up something or say something you know. Then I went blank. Sometimes I feel like I was in hell because I was surrounded by people speaking a language that I could understand half and the other half I tried to guess the meaning to construct the complete story. (It could be a different story somehow in my mind compared to reality). So I tried to avoid all eye contact and conversation if I was not asked directly.  In a word, I become super uncomfortable in a language class situation where all the tasks push me to talk to people. Sometimes I feel like classmates were looking at me in a weird way that seems like I was an outsider or even trying to laugh at me with a pitiful smile. Now when I look back, I just realize that all the things I worry about are not French but others' opinions and my fear to make mistakes and errors in my mind. 

    I got used to succeeding in studying until I was in the university. The first time I realized that I could not do something well because mathematics was difficult for me. When I was young, I always thought that I could do anything I want if I try my best. But later I found that there were songs that I can't sing properly then I realized I could not be an excellent singer. Thinking in that way, growing up means you realize your limits and you try to abandon some of your various dreams due to practical reasons. I can feel that I am less happy when I was in high school than when I was in junior school. Before I believed that I have a very good memory and good luck in exams, but later the good memory seemed to disappear in high school. I had a hard time reciting English articles even though I still managed to do well in the English exams. My mom's words hurt me when she told me that I lost my good luck in studying after witnessing my failures in 2019. I failed to get a Ph.D. and later I failed an exam at KU Leuven. Also, now I am struggling with my french and finding a full-time job in Belgium. When I was extremely down, I would think every step I made was wrong and worthless.

    Meanwhile, I try to reflect on the ideology of progress. Life is full of ups and downs. Being better is an ultimate goal in life but it doesn't mean that you need to succeed every time. I learned how to accept success when I was young but I didn't know how to accept failure. Now I am getting a taste of failure and actually, it's not the end of the world if I stop to label it as an essential step toward my dream. Just like my blog's name, I am on detours, and I should accept that others are running fastly in front of me. But hey, are you sure you are heading in the same direction as them? Someone could have a busy traveling schedule during holidays but I prefer wandering around in the city. Which is better? You can never tell. 

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