The present and the future

    It has been a long time since my last essay. Thanks for the kind reminder from my boyfriend, now I am writing again. Sometimes I would think negatively that maybe I don't have any dreams because I am so easy to give up. Life is already very hard, so why not take a break and just be lazy? However, deep down inside, I know I still have dreams. Otherwise, I will not feel stressed and frustrated these days because I feel too tired after work to do anything. I guess people who truly care about you will not only give compliments but also push you a bit to walk out of your comfort zone. At first, it could spoil the fun of the moment but it helps me to achieve my dream later on. 

    I guess when we talk about serious relationships, it always comes with the problem of how to handle the relationship between the present and the future. The way of seeing the future is shaped by family backgrounds, social environment, etc. As raised in China, I realize that the education system in China is very future-oriented. Teachers and parents try to teach us directly or indirectly that we should study really hard to get into an elite university. We should sacrifice the joy at present for a brighter future for example a good university and a good job. I see a lot of my classmates suffering when they use their free time to go to extra classes outside of school to get better grades. For me, I would rather use the time to do something I enjoy for example reading novels and watching anime. I don't buy this logic taught by schools therefore I tend to be more rebellious and I try my best to seize the moment. I focus more on the process instead of the result because I believe if you feel loads of suffering in the process, it can not lead you to happiness in the end.  Therefore, I become an idealist and live in the moment without thinking about the future.

    Being a good student is the best thing a child can do to return the love of their parents. In my family, I know that my parents can see me as a real person, but they also become super proud and happy if I get really good grades. Luckily, I don't need to work extremely hard to get good grades and I often consider myself as being lucky to use less effort in studying than my classmates. I remember at that time, I didn't like my mom's thinking as she tried to compare me with other students and talked about my grades in a competitive context. Even though I deny her thinking in my mind, I still get influenced by the competitive logic as I sometimes feel that I need to be good enough then I can be loved and I have a hard time overcoming my jealousy and anger and truly appreciating other people. Now when I look back, I think this kind of thinking drives a wedge between me and my parents so we can not be that close. I am worried that I will not be a good daughter in their mind if I don't succeed in studying or other things. Even though they said something like we would support you to do whatever you love and be together with anyone you truly love, I guess I still can't trust them fully. That's why I felt so nervous when telling them I have a foreign boyfriend and now still avoid talking about my relationship if they don't ask first and only talk about good news.

    In contrast, my boyfriend has a very close relationship with his family. His family loves making jokes with each other and tends to show affection more easily. It may help him to shape how he thinks about the future. He is able to dream big for his future and tends to have long-term plans since the present and the future are not always conflicting with each other. I still think that the future is made by moments of the present therefore I should seize every moment and live my life to the fullest. However, I also gain courage from him to dream big while working on my dreams by doing practical and essential stuff. For me, a romantic relationship helps me to reflect on my family relationship and the way I see life and I try to use the way I communicate with my boyfriend to treat my parents and have a more positive attitude toward life. If I could tell "I love you" very easily to him and send a gift to him as a way of showing affection, why can't I do the same thing to my parents since they are the people who love me most? My parents were happy when they received the surprise gift today. Even though they didn't express it openly, I could see the happiness on their faces. 

    However, I still feel awkward thinking about the idea of saying "I love you" in Chinese to my parents. Maybe I could do that when I am drunk :)